Robert's Inbox

Matt Drudge started calling The Stones The Strolling Bones when they announced their new tour. Well, this guy's the original Skeleton Man and he's The Bomb! And I can't believe how cheap the audience was! I would have slipped in at least a buck! (5.2 Mb Windows Media wmv file)

The aftermath continues to look worse for the people in the Gulf States, especially those hardest hit in New Orleans and the surrounding area. A current slideshow of pictures on the destruction. You might consider making a contribution to the American Red Cross for the staggering number of victims in this disaster -- we just did and will try to send more again shortly.

Skinny house on market with a fat price tag

By The Associated Press

Photo -- Michael Stephens / AP

LONDON — This thin house requires a bankroll that's fairly fat.

A home in London that measures a bit more than 5 feet at its skinniest and 9 feet, 11 inches at its widest is up for sale for $933,868, estate agents said yesterday.

The narrow home is spread over five levels and used to be a hat shop before being converted into living quarters.

Real-estate company Winkworths described the house as being "utterly amazing and almost certainly unique."

Its bathroom features a medium-size tub that takes up the length of the tiny room.

Other features of the property in the Shepherds Bush neighborhood of west London — popular with media professionals and close to the British Broadcasting Corp.'s headquarters — include a narrow kitchen, dining area, reception room, three bedrooms, a shower room, dressing room, patio, small garden and a roof terrace that boasts panoramic views.

--------------

Hey if you're like me (inquiring minds want to know!) you're now also wondering what the inside of this house looks like. I found a slideshow on BBC online here.

I think it takes a certain mindset to create one of those photomosaic montages. You know -- the ones where you take a gazillion smaller pictures and paste them together to form a bigger picture. Andrea Denzler has written a freeware program that allows you to take your own pictures and put them into a single composition (it's called AndreaMosaic, of course!). She composed this huge 4.7 Gb mosaic of Van Gogh's Starry Night using thousands of smaller images that you can actually zoom in and see. You can see her Starry Night here. And you can download the program here. (9 Mb)

I don't recommend looking at a lot of this stuff (all supposedly edible!) before lunch this morning.

I would never have thought of trying this one out. Find a headset that works on the same frequency as the drivethru of your local Wendy's and mess with customers' heads (and orders). This customer is threatening a lawsuit after getting conflicting instructions at the order station! (460K mp3 file)

Most of you know I love pranks (harmless ones) -- this one takes them to a new level. Add a simple-looking sign that appears innocuous enough to a McDonalds restaurant. Giving me some new ideas.

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large high tech firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: NOW Think about these choices don't scroll down to the answer until you read it through.

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this, I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

If you could not answer this make sure you go home to your loved ones and have them slap the heck out of you

ANSWER:

He simply answered: ""I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.""

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

This guy does what I've wanted to do: Piss off a scammer on eBay. It's posted on a page of his blog called The Powerbook Prank and it's a great read as well as an eye-opener on how auction scammers operate. (MyNameIsJeff actually lives in North Seattle!) Sellers (AND Buyers) beware!

Proof positive that girls are evil! Pure mathematical genius!

A commercial from Motorola for their new camera phone. (approx. 2 Mb Windows wmv file)

These guys take tech support cranks calls to a new low -- but some of these are SOO-OO funny! They're right. One of the best is the Broken Fan episode -- 10 minutes of fun stuff and no one really gets hurt. And the support lady is surprisingly calm through most of this; I would have told him to pack it up and take it back to the store (or worse)! He's too stupid to own a computer!

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX

Two men were talking.

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

WOMEN'S HUMOR

Nora's husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.

-------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says..... "I'll miss you."

Well, with all the other apps for GoogleMaps, it ws only a matter of time before someone linked it with state sex offender lists and addresses. They interviewed the founder of MapSexOffenders this morning on FoxNews and instantly their website was deluged so heavily that it took them an hour to get it back up and running. Check your address and those of you loved ones (hey - check your enemies' houses as well!) to see who lives near them. Some of you may be very shocked to find out who your neighbors are.

The title of this site says it all. Shave away -- you'll love the ending!

A friend sent me this clip of a young lady with no arms (6 Mb Windows wmv Media file) and I was immediately awestruck at how she's overcome her handicap. Truly inspirational for most of us. Repaeat after me: No More Whining! No More Whining!

The first comment you hear is "Oh shit!" This clip looks to be from some Naval training exercises (3.8 Mb Windows wmv Media file). If you look closely, you can see his back wheel getting snagged on one of the railing wires of the deck. I wonder if the pilot ever got certified for his license after this multimillion error.

QuackWatch describes itself as "Your Guide to Quackery, Health Fraud and Intelligent Decisions." One of the people they know is Kevin Trudeau, who -- after years of hawking snoring cures and memory enhancers -- is now selling his new chart-topping book, "Natural Cures 'They' Don't Want You to Know About (read the article here)." QuackWatch is like a Snopes site where you can check out health and medical claims. Dr. Stephen Barrett, a retired psychiatrist, spends his time keeping track of the industry. While I think there is much we don't know about alternative medicine, there are a lot of people more than willing to exploit the gullible in this huge industry.

It's going to come to this eventually (probably sooner than later, I'm afraid). The ACLU has quietly become the self-appointed censor for our society, taking stands on what we can read, see and do. They ARE the people they warned us about in the 70's! Here's a tongue-in-cheek satire on ACLU Gone Wild.

"Famed chef and TV personality Emeril Lagasse has drawn the ire of anti-gun groups over the use of his trademark catchphrase, "Bam!" TNOYF has received credible reports that the ACLU will be filing a lawsuit on behalf of these groups against Mr. Lagasse citing the "zero tolerance" policies that many schools employ as a precedent for the suit."

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabbie tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous to us! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabbie says, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

OK -- so it's Friday afternoon and you need something to use up your last hour or so. How about taking this quiz? Fast Company has a short Is Your Boss A Psychopath? questionnaire on their site compelte with psychobabble analysis. By the time you've done you duty analyzing the boss, it'll be time to go home! Heh heh...

More about MRI equipment than you ever wanted to know. I know this was all new to me!

Just a short ditty but it's hilarious -- whoever she is, she's GOOD! (500K .wav file)

Check out this phone call! It's supposed to be from a man in Texas on the way to work who witnesses a car accident that involved 4 elderly women. The folks at CHUM-FM (we had a CHUM-FM back in Toronto!) played it and it ws so popular, they had to post it on their website!

Are you ready for the End of the World? Great Flash animation!

So THIS is what really goes on down there in the Tech Support Department!

Here it is again: The National Do Not Call Registry in case some of you missed this in 2003! You can now list all of your personal and home business phone numbers as well as cell phone numbers here to a national register that telemarketers have to stay away from. And you can even track the status of your Do Not Call numbers using your e-mail address. Not only that, they've now added a button to report violators directly to them. I don't see why anyone wouldn't want to have their personal numbers added to the list immediately -- no one's THAT lonely. (Do my Canadian friends have such a system in place up there?)

With all due respect to Dueling Banjos from the movie Deliverance.

Announcing Elvis the Robocat! This is cool.. or cruel? You decide.

So with gas prices going up like fireworks on the Fourth of July, wouldn't you like to find the lowest gas prices in your area? Unfortunately in Bellevue (where I live), either the data wasn't available or the prices are just wa-ay too high to even bother listing! But see how your area compares! Hats off to GasBuddy.com and Paul Rademacher for the latest mashup!

Dear Concerned Citizen:

Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.

Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as pencil or nail clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless you feel that this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and his religious beliefs.

Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good luck!

Cordially,

Don Rumsfeld

Think Robert has too much time on his hands? How about quarter flipping?

The NK News site is a tongue-in-cheek masterpiece by San Franciso artist, Geoff Davis. Like most of us, he's been bitten by a natural love for North Korean press releases that denounce "imperialist ogres" and "class enemies." So he spent a few weeks and created his "News" site. Fun!

To quote the lead-in from the site itself, "NK News is a searchable database of North Korean propaganda. This site contains nearly every article published on the KCNA's website, in English and Spanish, since Dec 2, 1996--over 50 MB of hard-core Stalinist propaganda! And each article written in that unique and indelible style of the KCNA."

I especially like the Random Insult Generator link on the Home Page. Get insulted with every nasty name that Kim Jung-Il has ever called any of his enemies. Why get left out? Get your daily insult now!

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Does anyone still remember Frank Zappa and the Mothers of Invention from the 60's thru the 80's? Always on the fringe but incredibly and subtly brilliant, Zappa was the quinessential renaissance man of rock. You should check out his 1986 appearance on Crossfire here (21 minutes long) with a young-looking Robert Novak. (He even wore a suit for the appearance!) Anyway, they've also set up an official website for Frank Zappa.

Commandment 1.

Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.

Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

Bonus Commandment story:

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian War Party. The Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of talent, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully dumb-ass, I said "BRING POSSE!!!"

Dear Billy Bob,

As you know, my divorce was final yesterday, and in the divorce settlement she was awarded the double-wide mobile home AND my pickup truck.

Can you believe it? I expected her to get the double-wide, but having to give her my truck was just more than I could bear.

I had no choice, so as per the court order, I delivered the truck to her before 2:00 PM today. I'm sure gonna miss that truck. Had to get a picture of it before it was gone forever.

If you need to git hold of me, I'll be staying with my folks until I can find me a new place.

Take care, Bubba

Have we offended past Presidents today??

A black comedian was on a Canadian TV show and this is part of the dialog. He said that he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

1. He played the sax.
2. He smoked weed (Oh wait -- he didn't inhale!).
3. He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be in production in Canada this year.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one of those."

American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.

Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.

Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes

The Nonist blog has published a 6-page e-pamphlet to educate people about the dangers of Blog Depression. This is nothing to fool around with; if you exhibit signs of Blog Depression, get help NOW!

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
3. Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
12. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
15. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. Every calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
25. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped!

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon). Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will be at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces weekly mail delivery to Wednesday only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of previously illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines..

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense . . .

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. May I see your license and registration, please?"

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, and that's the law. May I see your license and registration, please?"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll let you see my license and registration and you give me the ticket; if not, you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Please exit your vehicle, sir."

The lawyer gets out of his vehicle and at this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN!"

On the Internet no one knows you're a dog!

Great subtitles!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

Remember those kids' Little Golden Books? Cute and innocent. But a recently-discovered old volume holds an incredible secret message. How did we miss it? (A fun read.)

Resistance is futile. We are Zogg.

My sympathies exactly. Turn up the sound and sit back for this great cartoon on Tech Support.

One of these days, I'll go up to the North Pole to see The Northern Lights (often referred to as the Aurora Borealis). These are definitely some of the best shots I've seen. Click on a thumbnail to see the larger image.

As the byline says, "These alcoholic beverages may not kill you,
but you'll wish they had."

Such delectable and irresistable refreshments such as Army Worm Wine and Three-Penis Wine. Yumm. (Barf!) Check out The Daily Lush.

Please pause a moment, reflect back, and take the following multiple choice test. The events are actual Events from history. They all actually happened!

Do you remember?

1. 1968 Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed by:
a. Superman
b. Jay Leno
c. Harry Potter
d. a Muslim male extremist between the ages of 17 and 40

2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and massacred by:
a. Olga Corbett
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzenegger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

3. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

4. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

5. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

6. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

7. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kidd
b. Charles Lindberg
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

8. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17and 40

9. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17and 40

10. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary Clinton, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

11. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to take out the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

12. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

13. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonnie and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40

Nope, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners haven't been allowed to profile certain people. They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips and even Medal-of-Honor-winning former Governor Joe Foss, but they leave Muslim Males between the ages 17 and 40 alone lest they be guilty of profiling.

Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Alreds and other civil libertarians along with Federal Justices that want to thwart common sense, feel doubly ashamed of themselves -- if they have any such sense. As the writer of the award winning story "Forrest Gump" so aptly put it, "Stupid is as stupid does."

Keep this going. Forward this page on to everyone in your address book. Our Country and our troops need our support.

Oh -- and guess who just bombed London?

The title of this website says it all: Mugshot of the Day.

Or better yet, you can see what your mugshot would look like by filling out the information here. They promise not to post your gag mugshot online!

From The LA Daily Breeze
Aug. 5, 2005

LOS ANGELES (AP) - For years, Howard White has advertised his strip club near Los Angeles International Airport with a not too subtle marquee reading "Live Nude Nude Nudes."

But some tourists and nearby businesses say White has gone too far with his latest pitch for the Century Lounge: a freshly posted sign proclaiming "Vaginas R' Us."

"We don't appreciate the signage and we're working with the city to make sure this establishment is adhering to all codes," said Laurie Hughes , executive director of Gateway to L.A., an association that promotes businesses along Century Boulevard just east of the airport.

White, who posted the new sign Tuesday, says he's simply advertising his business.

"In a sort of a naive way, I felt that there was nothing terrible about it since the 'Vagina Monologues' was on Broadway forever," White said. "I didn't feel there was anything terrible about it."

Los Angeles city officials say White's sign doesn't break the law.

"The word 'vagina' is not an obscene word and we're not in a position to question the First Amendment," said City Councilman Bill Rosendahl, whose district includes the airport area.

But the business association is pursuing another avenue of attack. It contacted the retailer Toys R Us, which aggressively defends its trademark name.

Toys R Us spokeswoman Susan McLaughlin said the company knows about White's sign and will be "looking into it immediately."

In the meantime, White will have to take his sign down - temporarily.

The new sign, which is pasted over a portion of the original marquee, is made of combustible plastic vinyl that violates the municipal code. White was served with a citation Thursday, and has until the close of business Sunday to replace the sign, said David Keim, the city's chief of code enforcement.

Hey -- this company goes right up there with some of the coolest. What a great idea! They use superfast lasers to mark eggs so they're literally traceable from the chicken all the way to your dinner table. When you read about all the different ways that eggs can get messed up, you'll understand the simple business model for demand and fast growth. What is more remarkable is how they've literally built an entire logistical back-end for this tracking process.

May Pee Wee live forever! I just found the official Pee Wee website -- and you can even download wallpapers for your desktop!

Many uses for Vaseline A man was doing market research. He knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She replied, "Why, yes. My husband and I use it frequently."

"If you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it when we have sex."

The researcher was a bit taken aback. He told the lady, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, we know that many people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me how you use it for sex?"

Without hesitation the lady answered, "I don't mind telling you at all. We put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it, I was greeted with "Hello. Is this Karl Brummer?" Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling? The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber-Band Powered Freezer company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." Then I turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had called into a murder scene and would have to stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a subpoena to appear in court to testify in this murder case.

I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was obviously getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody and at that point I heard the phone fall and the sound of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold but after what I had just pulled off, it was the best meal in a long, long time.

Web Site Devotes Itself to Strange Firings

Aug 3, 2005

By The Associated Press

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) - Getting fired is rarely a happy event, but that doesn't mean you can't have a sense of humor about it. That's what Simply Hired, a 5-month-old employment-related Internet startup, counted on when it started an affiliated Web site devoted to the stories of workers who have received a pink slip for a silly, outrageous or embarrassing reason.

The Mountain View-based company is even offering a prize to the biggest "loser" - a Caribbean cruise that will include passengers famously fired by Donald Trump on his popular television show, "The Apprentice."

The contest will be judged by a panel that includes Phil Kaplan, an irreverent entrepreneur who learned a thing or two about sad-sack stories while running a Web site about the foibles of failing Internet companies during the dot-com bust.

Kaplan's old site, which had a profane name, helped inspire simplyfired.com, said Kay Luo, marketing manager for Simply Hired, whose specialty search engine scours for job listing posted on help-wanted sites such as Monster.com, HotJobs.com and craigslist.

The early submissions at simplyfired, which was launched Monday, includes a posting from Mark Jen, who was fired from Google Inc. (GOOG) earlier this year for discussing the highly secretive company on his Web log.

Virtually all the other postings have been made under pseudonyms. The musings include stories about being fired for doing perverse things with prosthetics, refusing to cook the company books and neglecting to sign a holiday card for the boss.

Oh boy! Am I gonna get it on this one -- from an article in the 1955 Housekeeping Monthly for women. Click on the title picture below to see the entire article:

Eleven holes-in-one in a single round...

Aug 2, 2005

SEOUL (Reuters) - North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-il never forgets a phone number, a cadre's career or a line of computer code.

According to an article posted Tuesday on a Web site run by North Korea, Kim wakes up early every day for intensive memory training where he sits down and commits to his keen mind items such as the phone numbers of workers in his Stalinist state.

"I remember all computer codes and telephones that workers are using now," Kim was quoted as saying on the Web Site "Uri-Min-jok-kiri" (www.uriminzokkiri.dprkorea.com), or "Among our People."

Kim surprised a group of North Korean officials attending a meeting in 2002 by recalling all their phone numbers "with lightning speed," the site said.

On a day Kim visited a cemetery, he looked around at the tombs and he remembered the achievements, characteristics, tastes and bereaved family members for hundreds of the dead by a quick glance at the names on tombstones, it said.

"All the attendants were surprised at his incredible memory," the site says.

North Korean propaganda is ripe with the amazing achievements of its Dear Leader. The highly controlled state also closely monitors its citizens to make sure they do not speak out against Kim or challenge his rule.

Kim pilots jet fighters, pens operas, produces movies and accomplished a feat unmatched in the annals of professional golf by shooting 11 holes-in-one on the first round he ever played.

The Web Site said Kim told all workers they should develop their ability to memorize. "The memory of a person gets better when a person uses their brain often," he was quoted as saying.

Repeat after me (hic): Beer is good for you... (hic) Beer is good for you...

President Bush just underwent his annual physical exam at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center and his doctors declared that he was in 'superior physical condition' for his age range. He's even being declared the most physically fit President on record. Yet, if you calculated his BMI (Body Mass Index) using current government standards -- he's 5' - 11" and 191.6 pounds -- he'd be classified as overweight! Such are the new standards that have been tweaked (often with the "help" of pharmaceutical companies) to lower the standards for prescribing their magical new medications to "fix your problems." The trend to get people to take lifelong drugs to "maintain their health" is disturbing. Are you "overweight"? Check out this BMI calculator to see where you fit.

Only in Berserkely California -- aging hippies (REALLY aging hippies) -- promote the old Make Love Not War agenda. If you can't convince people to stop war the old way, why not try something new? NOT!!!

If you've ever wondered what the heck you just squashed under that rolled-up newspaper? Well, there's now an insect site that you can send a picture (or simply refer to) to check out that weird-looking endangered species you just whacked. I can't believe some of these are actually insects!