Robert's Inbox

Did you know that it's illegal simply to carry a prohibited item -- even unintentionally -- to a boarding gate at the airport? I didn't. I've had needle nose pliers and nail clippers taken away from me at the gate a few times, all without much fuss on my end or theirs. But technically, they can actually bust you just for showing up with those little items. So what's on the list? Well, after a bit of searching, I found the most current Permitted & Prohibited List from the TSA (April 2005). Download it here... and DON'T carry it again! (You'll need Adobe Reader to view and print it.)

Surprisingly, you can now carry a disposable safety razor in your carry-on bag but cigarette lighters are apparently now banned.

Mark Longmire has a terrific humor site where he recently posted a whole batch of Romance Novel covers that will never see a bookstand! Then a lot of his fans sent in even more of them. Great stuff!

Now the secret can be told!

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she's staying home because she's not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

This one takes the prize for the best commercial of the week. Too bad it's not real but it IS funny. I love it...

Unbelievable

Q) You're in the Middle East, you're a police officer and you find a suspicious abandoned briefcase. You might think it's a bomb. What should you do?

A) Clear the area and call the bomb squad?

Or

B) Open it yourself without any protective equipment while being assisted by other police equally unprotected and allow bystanders to look over your shoulder and crowd around?

What did this police officer do?

If you're short of words in a battle of wits, then the Shakespeare insult page is just what you need!

I've gotten these oldies attributed to the timeless wit of the late Bob Hope. Thought I'd post these up here again for those of you who haven't enjoyed these yet:

Bob Hope
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill."

ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring .. the referee kept stepping on them."

ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flat-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

Kids, don't try this at home!

Mamie van Doren has hobnobbed with the best of them, from Howard Hughes to Hugh Hefner to... She's somewhere in her seventies and still looks like she's having a good time. (Actually, rumor has it she was born in 1931!)

If ever the idea of doing a deal with the devil ever applied, Mamie must have cut one helluva deal! We should all be so lucky.

Well, agree with them or not, any time someone creates a 100 List you get an opportunity to discuss -- or argue -- about the choices. This list contains more comtemporary films such as "Pulp Fiction" and "Aguirre: The Wrath of God" but missing are such classics as "North by Northwest" and "Apocalypse Now." But a great resource nonetheless.

This one's gotta be the commercial of the week! Silly and mainly appeals to us guys but still funny nonetheless!

Having been in and out of graphic design and advertising for years, I appreciate a good logo when I see one. But every once in a while a really BAD one comes along that you just have to show everyone. Kantor.com picked this one and I'd have to agree; doesn't take a whole lot of looking to realize what they'd done!

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?


Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.



Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


Rottweiler: Make me.



Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.


Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.


Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!


Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.


Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....


Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...


Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.

Two guys are in an office, the first turns to the second and says "I've got to get out of here, this place is doing my head in -- I'm going to take the day off."

The second guy turns to him and says "Well, how are going to do that?"

"Watch." And with that, he climbs a ladder. In a little while, their boss walks through the office and spots the ladder with one of his employees at the top of it.

He asks him why he's up there and the employee tells him he's a light-bulb. The boss tells him to get back to work and the employee says "I can't. I'm a light-bulb!" So the boss tells him to go home and get some rest and maybe go see the doctor.

As the employee leaves, his colleague joins him and the boss asks him where he's going. He turns around and says, "Well, I can't be expected to work in the dark, can I?!!"

Any of you remember the old days when they had dress codes in school? I went to a high school where the guys had to wear ties and even socks were mandatory for the guys. Girls didn't wear slacks and no one was allowed to wear jeans. Here's to the return of some basic dress codes.

Please listen carefully as our options have changed.

going on a plane trip to the park, see?

Every year, PC Magazine compiles its list of Top 100 Websites. Whether you agree or disagree with their choices, the list always makes for great reading and a good place to start when looking for fresh stuff online. They've even included a couple of new categories you never might have thought of.

10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

9) Directions to your Doctor's office include: "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "An apple a day."

5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typographical error.

3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape

It's NEVER too early for Hallowe'en costumes for your pets! Check out the doggie Darth Vader!

1. After your humans give you a bath, Don't Let them Towel Dry you! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans' bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee', sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)

For those of you who live and park in Downtown Seattle, you've probably come across our new "parking meters." They put them in the middle of each block and you can use your credit or debit card to pay for your parking (as well as cash, of course). It spits out a little receipt that you just stick inside your side window (sticker included and they even tell you when the meter expires). But West Hollywood just came out with an even cooler meter! You can punch in your pager or cell phone number and you'll get called before the damn meter runs out, saving you a parking ticket! Crazy!

All I can say is Wow! Autostitch is a program that some programmers developed at the University of British Columbia. You can feed it a whole batch of assorted pictures from a single collection and it turns around and sorts them all out like a jigsaw puzzle, seams them together magically and then manages to blend them into one single amazing image. It's incredibly easy to use but quite sophisticated in its ability to assemble images accurately. Check out the samples and demo on their site.



This composite is from six different shots I took over Lake Union across the street from my studio. Needless to say, you can tell I'm humbled and impressed by these guys! IMHO this program is better than ANYTHING Adobe Photoshop offers and the Beta version is still available as a FREE download right now.

The final word on how to survive a zombie invasion. What everyone must know!

I still haven't figured out if this site is an absolute must-have or a complete waste of time and energy. How would you like to have pre-designed graph paper that will pull up in Adobe Acrobat PDF format for printing? Maybe more useful to engineering students?

With the new Star Wars episode coming out shortly, the parodies are coming out of the woodwork left, right and center. This is one of the better ones to come along; and vegetarian too! Worth the wait for the flash to load up.

Mick Jagger and Co. announced their latest tour with a short live concert in New York. How old is Sir Mick now? 62? Anyway, here's a fun takeoff from the promoters of the Australian Red Meat Council. Very cute.

For those of you vinyl afficianados out there with lots of LPs still in your collections (you know who you are out there!), HP has created one of the most complete tutorial sites on how to convert your LPs into MP3s. I recently bought a brand new Audio Technics AT-PL50 turntable (around $100) that has a preamp built into it; it also has a switch underneath that allows me to switch from analog to digital output. When you plug this turntable into a PC sound card, the digital option allows for crisp and compatible conversion. The cool equipment available today for cheap is staggering.

Here's a link to a chilling 2-minute flash presentation on the global oil situation. Read it and weep. Then at least think about it...

I'm posting this on my two main blogs and I'd love it if everyone would forward this link to as many people as they know so the message goes out.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Well, they're still at it. Since it first came out, the lyrics to the Kingsmen's Louie Louie have been the subject of a lot of things, including an investigation by J. Edgar's FBI, as well as bans by various schools and communities. But no one seems to really ever get a handle on what those damn lyrics actually say! Anyway, The Smoking Gun ran a new piece on it today and includes coverage on recent attempts to interpret and ban Louie Louie once again 40 years later. (Good luck!)

The things they can do today with computer animation! This is one of the favorites to arrive in my Inbox this week. GE's ad agency deserves kudos for a series of incredibly light and fun new commercials that have turned up recently.

Google Maps comes through again!

How to get there:

1. Type 'Rachel, NV' into Google, select Google Maps, go to 'satellite'
   
2. Zoom out three levels until you see several white splotches (salt flats, I presume)
   
3. Double click on the salt flat that's now along the left edge, an inch or two below the Zoom bar
   
4. Zoom back in a few levels

Just in time for the opening of the new movie: Darth Vader's blog.

The Improv Everywhere Team is a loose-knit bunch of improv artists who set up some very unusual and generally hilarious scenarios in some pretty strange places. This link details their set up in the McDonald's Restaurant on Broadway next to the production of the Lion King. In this episode, their "agents" quickly turn the McDonald's restroom into a five-star facility complete with attendant and all the trappings. Well worth the read!

Wow! Thanks to those diligent folks in maintenance at US Airways, they discovered this crack in the window of one of their planes before any further damage occurred!

Ever wonder how much you're really getting inside all that fancy packaging? Well, wonder no longer!

Looks like the upcoming Time Traveler Convention for May 7, 2005 is already full. But if you could time travel at will, why would you need an invitation to attend anyway?

He has a mullet, his cleanest jeans and a young bride with a loaf in the oven. And, of course, they've got a Rottweiler!

From today's Drudge Report: Today at 5:05:05 am & pm the time will be 05:05:05 05/05/005....

05.05.005 comes only once in 1000 years and coinciding with Thursday (5th Day of the week) comes only once in 7000 yrs...